Poemfish

Head to heart

Sometimes it's hard to know what we want
or how to get it.  We get so wrapped
up in our daily responsibilities and
over-analyzing every decision we make
that just waking up in the morning
feels overwhelming.

That's when,
as my friend Melissa would say,
we need to move from
"head to heart."

I have been trying to slow down
my thought process lately,
concentrate on just breathing and
being happy about the little, magical
things that are a part of my life
every day ~ my husband sitting in
the other room, reading a book,
cooking me dinner, or making me laugh.

My amazing kitties
that do ridiculously cute and
beautiful things constantly,
the sounds of their little purrs
and quiet breathing as they tuck
themselves away in a soft bed.

The vibrant flowers that fill the
baskets in my yard and greet me
every time I pull in the driveway,
look out the window, or just step outside
to water their thirsty buds.
The smiles on my parents faces
when I stop by for an unexpected
visit, the strength in their
arms as they hug me.

Conversations with friends, old
and new, that truly inspire me
and make me realize my voice
matters too.  The home my husband
and I have created that brings me
such joy, peace, and comfort ~ a place
where I can wear shorts, dance around
the living room on a whim, and just
be myself. 

And the fact that this week
has been an anniversary of sorts,
1 year of me working from home, following
a dream through ups and downs,
and ultimately surviving.

I'm learning that my life is not a test
with some hidden answer key that will tell
me what I've done right and wrong.
It's just a path, my path,
that I'm discovering in my own time,
in my own way.

I am creating my story and
filling my pockets with as much
joy as the seams can take.

A reason

"We spend so much time looking for reasons
we forget to grow. 
A tree doesn't look for a reason to grow.
It just grows." ~ Scotty

Had a long conversation with my brother last
night, and this is one of things he said.  My
brother has a way of nonchalantly saying
these cool, wise things, and I end up
fumbling around for a pen and paper
so I can remember them after we're done talking.

My brother is someone I can always turn to,
no matter what, and he somehow magically has
the right words and can instantly make me
feel better about things.  But he is usually the one
carrying everyone else, doing the jobs no one
else wants to do, living with the weight of too
many things on his shoulders.  But last night,
he needed someone to lean on, and he called me.

And knowing how hard it can be for him to reach
out to other people, to let himself be vulnerable,
meant the world to me.  My brother is one of the
most misunderstood, amazing, compassionate, people
I know.  And I only hope I'm able to give him a
portion of the strength and inspiration he gives me.

The way out

Two blogs in one day.
Hard for even me to believe.
But I am feeling totally energized right
now and I just need to document it,
which is as close as I can get to trying
to bottle this feeling.

I've been participating in a group
called Women Create for the past few
weeks.  Tonight I met w/ two women from the group
to kind of process what's been happening
in our lives since we began this journey
of coming up with 5 wishes (based on the
book of the same name by Gay Hendricks).
It was absolutely amazing.

Let me start with my 5 wishes:

1. My life is a total success because I am confident in
who I am & am following my own creative path to happiness.

2. My life is a total success because I'm fearless in
achieving my goals and am compensated abundantly.

3. My life is a total success because I spend
lots of time being active outdoors and feel
healthy and strong.

4. My life is a total success because I am living
a fulfilled, creative life which includes being
a part of a creative network of people who support,
energize, & inspire me.

5. My life is a total success because I am able
to love and appreciate my family while staying true
to myself.  I do things out of love. 

Our conversation tonight was inspiring.
We all talked about things we've been doing
to make our wishes a reality and how we've all
been getting what feel like "signs" that
seem to be guiding us towards the right path.

Just a few days ago I had been thinking
about my 4th wish.  I tried to recall
the last time I truly felt inspired being around
a group of creative people.  I immediately thought about
a night while I was in college.  I had dinner
with some other creative writing students.
We talked all night about life, writing, and
the things we were passionate about.  We were
all energized that night and vowed we would try to
keep it up, even after graduation.  But we went
our separate ways and never had a night like that again.

But tonight, talking to these women, listening
to their stories, and hearing a lot of the same
issues echoing in their words made me feel so
connected with them.   And getting their feedback
on my journey blew me away.  They made me realize
that the creative outlet I've been missing all
this time wasn't just some kind of new artistic
creation.  It's been my writing. 

One of the women had a print-out of something I'd written
and she told me how much she loved it and
had read it several times.  She talked about
wanting to hear more of these stories.  And as
she spoke, I began to get goose bumps and
suddenly my path became clearer.  No matter what I've
done in my life, it has always centered around
telling stories ~ with my artwork and my photographs,
but what about my real stories,
the stories I carry with me everyday, stories
that have stayed hidden away in my pockets for too long,
squished inside the pages of endless worn notebooks?

Writing is the one constant that
has always been in my life.
From the time I was young and typing stories on my
blue plastic typewriter, submitting poems to my
high school's literary magazine, majoring in creative writing
in college, and eventually starting my own blog.
It has always been my passion.  But after graduation I
was burned out.  I stopped writing, and I
felt lost.  And that's when I met Anne
and decided to follow a different path ~ art.

I still included writing in my work,
but it was a different kind of writing. 
When I recreated a piece of art, the words
were the same.  Even though my writing
was new to people buying my work, it wasn't
new to me.  And spending so much time
on my artwork took away from my writing,
And until tonight, I didn't realize
how stifling this was for me.

Everything is connected to this part of me.
How I interact with photography clients,
the satisfaction I feel with my blog, the
contentment I feel in my heart on a daily basis.
And as we sat there talking, I realized my 4th
wish was happening right there, at that moment.

And hope filled my heart.  Hope for the things
I haven't written.  Hope for the people I haven't
met.  Hope for the people who value my words
and believe I have more important things to say.

I am just scratching the surface here, and feeling
a little twitchy from the caffeine, but I
truly feel content at this moment, and it feels
invigorating.  I have always believed I would
get through this darkness, but now I am finally beginning
to actually see the way out.

Signs

I feel like I am at such a strange place
in my journey.  Just when I think I am
starting to figure it out, I get a huge
sign which seems to suggest I am heading
the wrong way.  At first, I resist, frustrated
that there is something obviously wrong
with my map.  But then I try to listen.
Why this?  Why now?

I'm starting to realize this isn't
going to happen overnight.  This is not
one of those things I can just
pick off the shelf and add to my
shopping cart.  It's taken me almost
33 years to arrive at this place,
and there is a reason I am here now.

And even though no one likes being lost,
it is such an amazing feeling when
we eventually find the place we were looking for.
I still believe I can get there.

Searching . . .

One of the hardest things about
owning your own business is having
the ability to be honest about the
value of your product.  As our
photography business has grown,
we've gradually raised our prices,
always second-guessing our decisions,
and still at a point where we are
busy but not making enough money
to cover our equipment and expenses.
I feel like I am thinking about
our pricing structure daily.  Going
back and forth, having some people tell
us we are not charging enough while others we
would love to work with say they just can't
afford us.  It feels impossible.
But then I look at the fact that
even as we have raised our prices,
we have continued to get work.
We have a wedding almost every weekend
this summer.  It is so hard to take a
chance when your very livelihood seems
to hang in the balance.  And I can't help
but feel if I could master the business
side of things once and for all, I would
flourish even more in my creative vision.

I am in search of answers. 
I am in search of a path that
will lead me to spend more time
in the happiness I feel while
I am photographing a couple or
a family, capturing the beauty of
a wedding as the story and magic
unfold.  The stress in between
about pricing and paperwork makes my
heart ache.  I know there is a
balance, but I haven't found it yet.
I know it must come from inside myself,
by valuing what I am and what I do.
But it often feels like the hardest
thing in the world.  But I believe
I can get there.  And I am packing my
bags in search of it . . .

 

Little Reminders

Sometimes it's easy to forget
our bodies are a whole package.
We sit in front of computers all
day and feel too exhausted to
even think about exercise or
being active.  And then when we're
in a situation where we have to
use our strength, we collapse afterwards
and wonder why we're not in better shape.

There are days when I literally feel
like I am surrounded by fog.  I feel
completely worn out, unable to really
experience the things going on around me,
knowing I should feel joy but
still unable to reach it. 

Today was about pushing myself past that.
My husband and I went jogging this morning,
and even though it was hot and humid
and my legs ached from all the hills
in our neighborhood, it felt good,
to FEEL the strength of my body. 
I am not in fantastic shape,
by any means, but I am basically
healthy and able, and sitting here afterwards,
I am reminded of the potential within me,
something I often forget is here.

Even after only one day of
exercise, I can feel the fog
around me lifting.  And here I am
writing again and getting ready
to embark on my first
full day of artwork in months.

Sometimes we have to set everything aside
and put ourselves first, let the fresh air
in and make room for the dreams that
got stuffed in the filing cabinet behind
a pile of bills or stuck
beneath a stack of magazines. 
Today is about making time for
what's important.  Me.

 

Lost

"I think you're lost."

Sometimes it's as simple as that.
Someone saying out loud the thing
that has been weighing so heavy
on your heart.  And it takes everything
in you not to fall to your knees and
weep for all the things that have been
keeping you in your silent prison,
things you often can't even see
or understand. 

Going through the motions of life,
wanting so much to let the joy of
it fill you but feeling miles from
the things going on around you.

Knowing you have sabotaged yourself,
withdrawn from those close to you,
from the things you love, distanced
yourself from your inner voice, instead
drowning the truth in sleep and
television, too ashamed to ask for help,
not knowing what form "help"
would even take.  And worst of all,
the guilt of feeling this way,
disappointing the ones you love,
feeling weak for not being able to
know how to fix the mess around you,
feeling you will never get back on
track. 

But I am not a quitter.  Never have been.
And most importantly,

"I have a love in my life.
It makes me stronger than anything
you can imagine." ~ Punch Drunk Love

My husband is unwavering in his love
for me.  I see it in his eyes when
he looks at me, I feel it when he's
sitting next to me, when he looked at
me from the couch this morning while
I was standing in the hallway
brushing my teeth.  His love washed over
me.  And that is how I know I will get
through this. 

Writing has always been the journey for me,
my way inside myself, and the longer I stay
away from this blog, trying to pretend everything
is okay, the longer I am ignoring reality.

I have always said this was my space to be
open and honest.  And now is when this place
I have created for myself means the most.
I start here.  Now.  At this exact moment on
this exact day. 

Night Swimming

Last night, my husband and I
collapsed in front of the TV, as we
do most nights, ready to just
veg out a bit with the kitties
before going to bed.  But last
night we decided to grab our
cameras, get in the car, and head
downtown to check out the Mutual
of Omaha building that was
transformed in honor of the
Olympic swim trials.

We hesitated at first, "Oh, we
can just go tomorrow," but then
realized we'd probably be saying the same
thing tomorrow, not to mention
the trails ended yesterday,
so we weren't sure if the display would
end too. 

So we pushed ourselves and headed out.
And it was totally worth it.

We had seen the building during the day,
but it was truly spectacular seeing it lit up
at night.  There must have been some type
of fabric over the lights shining on the building
because the blue light rippled in waves 
around the swimmer.   

It was fun and spontaneous.
And I'm so glad we didn't just
sit in front of the TV all night
watching bad television we would
have forgotten about the next day.
The scene below is definitely not
something we will forget anytime
soon, and neither is the idea
that we had full control of the choice
that brought us there.

Tuesday's Collage

Steps

There are days when the changes we want to make
in our lives feel staggering, and it seems the
only way to move forward is to strip ourselves
of all things familiar, leaving us
exposed and afraid.  But through our
panic and frustration, we have to hold on
to the things that have kept us together
until now, the things that have allowed
us to live, love, learn, & succeed.
There is a place for all of it ~ our past, the
person we are now, and the dreams still
living and breathing within us. 

Life is a process, a journey of wrong turns, beautiful
discoveries, searching, and finding. 
There is depth within us that
gets lost if we don't quiet ourselves
long enough to listen.
And even though we want everything
to be perfect now, change is a
process too.  And that's when
we must let hope carry us,
knowing we will get there,
believing in our strength even when
our bodies are tired and aching.
We must want it more than the loss we
are holding now, and we must know
we will get there.