Poemfish

Grateful

Everyone has told me. I can see and feel it myself. This time is fleeting. Watching my baby boy grow and blossom at lightning speeds, amazed by the things he knows already and how this little person has already brought so much light into the world. It isn't always easy. Being the one here all the time for not just the laughter but the tears, not just the dance parties but the discipline. But I am so grateful for this precious time I have with my son. Time that cannot be replaced by anything. And I am doing my best to hold it with both hands, sink my teeth and whole heart into it. Holding tight to the strength and vulnerability that are rising in me, quietly showing me the way.

In the beginning

In the beginning, there was a blog.  And a girl ~ who had always loved words and the magical way they could express the poems that lived in her heart.  It wasn't always easy.  But the longing for nouns, verbs, and those majestic adjectives was always there.  A playful dance that helped her find a voice when the traffic became too loud, a quiet map that unfolded when she felt truly lost.  

But as often happens, responsibilities pop up.  To-do lists are never finished.  And the work  of someone running her own business is never done.  The words don't visit as often, and when they do, it is moments before you drift to sleep and they are quickly and quietly forgotten.  A bittersweet ending to a long day.

But you start to realize you CAN carve out time.  That everything you do is a choice.  And yes, we don't always make the best ones, but they are still ours to make.  And today, I am making a choice to add that girl and her blog to my list.  Because I miss her.  Because I miss the words.  Because it's what I need to find my way again.  It's what I want to teach my son ~ that there is nothing more important than following our truth, our love, our passion.  That is the only way.    
 

No other way

 
 WOw.  Is it seriously possible I have
not blogged since February?  The realization
makes my heart ache.  I feel like I am
finally getting to a place in this crazy
business of motherhood to begin branching
out again, taking tiny steps outside the nest,
looking to rediscover a voice underneath my
food-stained clothes and mangled hair.  My
little guy is coming into his own.  Talking,
doing, seeing.  It is such an exciting time.
Hard not to get wrapped up in it all.  Instead
of just going along for the ride, I've decided
that I, too, need to join in.  So here I am.
Ready.  Willing.  Hoping I can still do this . . .
Knowing, deep down, there is no other way.

Loss

 

Loss

Sometimes there are no words
to soothe the aching in someone's
heart.  And despite our best
efforts, another's pain is not
always ours to heal.  It exists.
It is a real, pulsing, undeniable thing
that we all must walk through at
one point or another. 

It is never easy.
It almost never makes sense. 
It just is.

And all we can do is let our love
rise to the surface. 
Let our prayers whisper songs of healing
in her ears. 
Even if she can't hear the words, 
she will know we are with her
in the misdt of her darkness and
uncertainty, holding her hand quietly
as we hold our breath. 

Holding on to those we love
a little tighter this day, honoring
her loss the best way we know how . . .

 

Wordle

 
So this is my current blog "wordle."
I love doing this now and then to
see what comes up.  I love that
"heart" is the biggest word in the
center considering it's "my word" for
2011, but I also noticed "afraid" is
also pretty big and red trailing closely
behind.  BUT . . . I have plenty of time
left in the year to stomp out that fear
and some awesome new red shoes to do it
with!  Little guy has some sweet moon
boots on the way too, and I'm sure he'll
be glad to help.

Heart

 
Taken with LG Optimus S

"A single word can be a powerful thing. It can be the ripple in the pond that changes everything.  It can be sharp and biting or rich and soft and slow. From my own personal experience, it can be a catalyst for enriching your life." ~ Ali Edwards

I've decided my word for 2011 is "heart". 
I want to really listen to my heart this year ~
listen to the direction it is moving, what
makes it sing and play.  I want to follow it as
it goes for a midnight walk down streets I've
never been, see what places it takes me to,
what stories it still has to tell. 

I want to make decisions based on my heart. 
I want to do things out of love ~ not guilt or
obligation or fear. 
 
I feel like I am always afraid of something, always
searching.  Maybe I always will be.  But this year,
I am really going to focus on doing what makes my
heart happy, trying to be true to the person I am
inside.  Honoring her.

I get so wrapped up in feeling inadequate compared
to others that I devalue myself, start to think I have
nothing to offer the world.  I forget that there is only
one "me".  No one else is the exact combination of all
the things and places and feelings and music and
stories that I am.  I need to honor the gifts I see in
those around me, but not discount my own.  I need to
believe in the beauty of my own heart, let it guide me
in making decisions and allowing myself to come into
my own gifts ~ my own beauty.
 
I am often afraid to be vulnerable with people ~ afraid
to ask for help.  Everyone has their own problems, I
don't want to burden them with mine.  But part of being
open with your heart is letting yourself be vulnerable. 
Admitting when there is weakness and making room
for the people in our lives to fill that space.  Yes, it's risky,
but how can we truly live and love without that risk? 
How can we ever feel truly alive?
 
The word "heart" came to me immediately, and yet I
was afraid to write this blog, afraid to commit to the
word.  Well, I thought, that's probably not right.  I
better think about it some more.  It can't be that easy. 
probably a better word.  But no.  That's just me,
worrying, judging, agonizing over something simple. 

So here it is.  "Heart." 
That is my word for 2011. 
This is me, claiming my word,
way past my bedtime at 11:41PM
on this Monday night in January. 
 
Sending you love . . .

Simplicity

 

Little guy & I spent some time with my brother
the other night.  For over an hour, Logan was
totally entertained by two small cat toys.
It had more to do with my my brother and his
ability to make just about anything fun - one
of the things I absolutely love about him
(Logan too).  But it was fascinating to watch.
Logan was truly engaged.  He didn't need a
bunch of animated, light-up toys that do a
million things.  He just needed genuine interaction
from someone who clearly cared about him.

At our most basic level, I think that's what we all
quietly hope for and crave ~ the thing that brings
meaning and beauty to our lives.  The thing that
makes us feel understood and loved even when
we're filled with doubt.  Even when we've lost our
way. 

Starting with words

 
The past year has been a blur.
My first full year being a mother has
been filled with so many firsts: my
little guy’s 1st foods, words, crawls
and eventually steps.  The wonder in
his eyes as he experienced new places
and things filled my heart with
happiness and hope.  But being at home
so much has also been difficult. 
I miss deep conversations with friends,
working at a normal pace so I actually
enjoy it.  I haven't had time for
blogging or art.  I find myself barely
staying on top of the housework and
keeping up with wedding albums and
portrait sessions, yet it seems as though
I am still not working nearly enough. 

My goal was to be caught up by the end
of 2010, and I pretty much met that goal,
although somehow it doesn't feel quite as
good as I imagined.  I decided January
would be my month to sort of regroup and
really set some goals for myself and my
career.  But it seems the space I cleared
has only opened more room for uncertainty
and self-doubt. 

I have been at this place before - this
place of unknowing . . . searching . . .
but it has never felt so heavy against my
heart, as if the weight of it could break
me in half at any moment. 

The decisions I make don't just affect me
anymore.  Now there is a tiny person that
depends on me physically and emotionally. 
Everything I do suddenly matters, and I am
scared to death that I will make the wrong
choices, or worse, that I will collapse in
a heap of indecision and find myself truly
lost. So this is the beginning of my journey
out, up, my way of trying to do just that -
to find my way.  And it seems, for me, it
has always started with words . . .

Night swimming

 

I often wonder about the things we lose.
Where do they end up?  Are they really gone
forever, or do they resurface beneath someone
else's fingertips, rediscovered by a new pair
of eyes?  Can memories and moments ever truly
be lost?  Or are they floating somewhere, moving
in and out with the current, always there,
hoping to be remembered in dim coffee shop,
through a late-night conversation with an old
friend or as we linger before waking from a dream ~
almost understanding.

 

Perfection

 
Perfection pretends to be my friend,
but then why is she always trying to fold me
into an origami crane and stuff me
in the pocket of a pair of old jeans
that is way too tight? 
She follows me everywhere,
always telling me what I did wrong
and how I "missed a spot". 
She thinks she is helping. 
She thinks she is cute ~
her pretty little dress and
that tight braid hanging down her back. 
But today I am telling her to back off. 
Let her clean her own house,
make her own bed. 
I've got more important things to do.
Life, is waiting . . .